Le escribí a las celebridades para pedirles dinero

Amigos mios, el tiempo presente es terrible. Y no es por los signos inequivocos del fin del mundo cercano, la perdida de valores, el alza del crimen, o la total insensibilidad de la gente hacia situaciones que deberian tener su principal atención para asegurar un buen mañana.

Es terrible porque quiero dinero, y no lo tengo.

Seguramente han visto programas donde se relata cómo las celebridades se dan lujos tales, que incluso lo que se compran llega al límite de lo ostentoso y lo absurdo. No me sorprendería que de pronto alguno se mandara hacer un baño todo de oro, y que al cagar, mandara cubrir su propia mierda de diamantes y la guardara en una vitrina.

Y bueno, la distribución de los recursos no es equitativa, de sobra sabemos eso también. Y mientras algunos se gastan un dineral en ropa que vestirán una sola vez, o artículos y colecciones ridiculas que solo tendrán amontonadas en sus mansiones cuya cuenta mensual de luz sería el equivalente a dos años de tu sueldo, otros estamos en un mundo más "real".

Así que es justo y necesario pedir que se mochen. Que no sean ojetes, y compartan un poco de su abundante mesa a los hambrientos que pululan en este planeta. Especialmente al más importante: yo. Con esto en mente, me decidí a escribirle a algunas celebridades el dia de hoy. Lamentablemente no pude conseguir los correos de contacto de todos ellos, pero espero a quienes si se les envio, les llegue a su millonario corazoncito.

Por supuesto que tengo aquí una copia para compartir con ustedes, mis lectores que tanto quiero. Oh si. En este mes, soy puro amor. Aunque se lea manfloro.

Por cierto, qué hueva pasarlo a español. Chútenselo así.

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Dear (celebrity)

This is Alexander (or Alejandro, whichever you prefer). I'm one of many mexicans who have been in touch with your work, and whose existance will never be noticed by you.

Don't take this wrong, I'm not being hostile. In fact, this is my friendly mood. You know those people you always see around, who always SEEM to be happy, or try to? I'm proud to say I'm not one of them. They usually laugh too much, smile unnaturally, and try to look optimistic and friendly even in the most awkward situations. They're not happy. Why would they? They haven't got that big raise at work, or won the lottery, or have a super immune system like Wolverine. Basically, they want to look their best, and feel their best, without succeeding.

I'm more of a practical man. Why can't people just be straightforward? Don't put on a fake smile. Moreover, they should have the balls to ask for the things they really need. And I mean NEED, not covet. And that's the reason I'm writing to you right now: to tell you I need your help.

Oh, wait a minute. I think I'm getting some vibes from the future. You may think, when reading this: "Hey asshole, I have news for you, I'm not your friend. Hell, I don't even know you". True, but here's when my philosophy of life kicks in: I want something? I say it out loud, and I ask for it. As opposed to that of the Mob: "I want something? I take it. If they complain, they get hit so hard that they'll never complain again" (I just love that line from Goodfellas. Surely you've watched that movie)

Also, don't think I'm one of those guys claiming they are fighting for a good cause, when in fact all they want is to compensate the lack of attention and self-esteem that tortures them. Don't take it wrong; I can't pretend; I won't ask you to help me save the rainforests, or the whales, or to save people in poverty just to see their population keep growing, as they fornicate again and again without the decency of using contraception (coitus interruptus at least), to avoid giving birth to a new being in a tough -or should I say fucked up- world.

No, what I'm gonna ask from you is just for me. And it is this: I need $100,000 dollars. And I know this will read like an internet cliche, but: this is not spam and it's not a joke. Me, one of the billion guys you will never meet, asking for your money.

And for what? You may ask. I would be a real prick if I didn't tell you how I'm going to use your money. As you may see, I'm asking for a specific amount, and not for a gazillion dollars like some dork would, as if you were a genie in a bottle. I want the 100k because that is exactly what I need to buy my own house (I live with my brother now, and it's not as fun as it may seem on TV) and also help him and 2 friends with their school expenses. It is my belief that you are as strong as the weakest one of the guys near you. And I also consider my loyal friends as family. 

Needless to say, it will be the perfect gift for me. Not like it's my birthday or anything, but I'm looking forward to it. Besides, you won't have any trouble spending that amount. As far as I know, you have quite a life. And all those well-deserved fancy things you enjoy everyday are proof that God favors the best. I think of myself as an artist, not really succesful, I might add; Maybe you and I are alike in some way, of course with the major difference that you live in opulence, and I'm just another poor, unloved, and crazy fucker who writes everything that comes to his mind.

Again, this request is real. Here is my banking information, so you can wire transfer the money:

(Información bancaria. xxxx)


I appreciate it. Once I get it, I'll let you know when I do all the things I just told you. Feel free to write me back if you would like to know anything else about me or my request. Take care.

Sincerely:

Alexander Strauffon

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Pude enviárselo a Oprah, a Brad y Angelina, y a Bill Gates.

Desde este momento estoy esperando mi dinero.